If teens want to do that, isn’t it better to be open and honest with your teens so that they can make the best decisions for themselves and their peers? Sarah Catheral writes.
A few months ago, 17-year-old Tom * brought his girlfriend Anne * back to his family home for dinner. He fell asleep in Tom’s room, and he told his mother Jane * that they were just friends.
A few weeks later, after spending many nights at Annie’s Tom’s house, the 12-year-old revealed to his mother that he was, in fact, a Sex.
Speaking on behalf of Zoom from her Auckland home, Jane shared her concerns that the relationship has become increasingly deep and involved, often under the family roof.
She talked to Tom about contraception, and even. He bought a condom.. She has also talked to her son about consent to make sure Annie wants sex.
“I’m not happy about it, but I’d like it compared to the back of the car,” says Jane.
One weekend, Annie wanted a weekend getaway and a Sunday night stay. However, Jane sent him home.
“I needed my place, and I needed to spend some time with my son. It wasn’t ideal because I had to tell him that, but it was happening too much.
Among his peers and other parents with sons and daughters the same age as Tom, Jane says this is a dilemma they often talk about: Should they allow their teens to have sex under the family roof?
Jane, who raises her two sons with her father every week, says parents get advice on all stages of parenting, but when her son moves into adolescence, he often has sex and is younger. Concerned about drinking.
“When I was in school, there was no way to bring my boyfriend home at night. My father had to get fit,” she says.
No one has studied how parents in New Zealand now allow more teenage sex under the family roof. However, based on what is happening abroad, and from the actual evidence, they probably are.
Experts say that in countries where adolescent sexuality is accepted and openly debated, sexual risk is lower than in places where sex, especially teen sex, is discussed. Is prohibited.
Here, teenage pregnancies have halved in a decade. However, few of those who are sexually active are using condoms and contraceptives. Young 19. Publication
Dr. Judd Ball, a public health expert at the University of Otago, has studied adolescent behavior, and found that adolescents are less likely to drink, smoke, take drugs and have sex than they did two decades ago.
In 2001, 32% of high school students had sex, and 21% were sexually active. By 2019, it had dropped to 21 percent of those who had sex, and 13 percent were sexually active. A quarter of all 16-year-olds had sex, and 16-year-olds 15% were sexually active.
Ball acknowledges the fact that if teens have sex, more are doing it in the family home.
“It may be safer for young people. Safe where adults are safe than anywhere else where sexual abuse and a history of rape can be a threat.
Asked why teens are delaying sex, Ball says they usually start adult behavior later.
Young people also have less time for face-to-face activities such as going to parties. This means they have fewer opportunities to have sex, and fewer opportunities to drink and smoke.
She points out how much parents are more open about sex today when they were growing up in the 1980s.
“It was almost unheard of to allow sleepover or sex at home at that time,” she says.
The same was the case with Louis *, 48, who had never had a boyfriend when she was growing up in Wellington.
Today, though, her 16-year-old daughter’s boyfriend stays with her at least two nights a week, partly because he lives out of town. “Otherwise they wouldn’t be able to see each other,” says Lewis.
She sleeps in the same bed, and her daughter is using contraception, which she initially started for hormonal reasons.
“We have a very open relationship, and I trust him very much. He is well aware of sex. My parents were very liberal but we never talked about sex and so for me it’s I need to talk to my daughter about sex and this is her body.
“I want my children to be safe here. I am a reliable adult, in our home where they are comfortable and safe.
Considering herself more liberal than her friends, she says, “I know a lot of people won’t share my point of view.”
In his book, Not under my roof: parents, teens and sex culture., American economist Amy Schultz compared the attitudes of adolescents to sexuality in the United States and the Netherlands, and found that they are very different.
In the United States, she writes, “adolescent sex is presented in a dramatic way – full of cultural ambiguity, hot political struggles and poor health outcomes, causing concern among the public, policy makers and scholars.”
In the Netherlands, adolescent sex – from the first kiss to sex – is considered a normal part of adolescent development. Shelitt cited a survey of Dutch youth who found that two-thirds of 15- to 17-year-olds were allowed to sleep in the same room with their boyfriends or girlfriends.
In an interview with Equipment“Parents need to make sure their teens are in a positive relationship, where there is trust, mutual respect and the ability to discuss conflicts,” says Schleitt.
While making sure they are using contraception, it is best for parents to be open and talk if their teen is sexually active.
“Is there a discussion for girls and girls’ parents about what the girl is physically prepared for and what she wants? She should be encouraged to take it slowly, and step by step decide what she wants and what she doesn’t.
If the teen is a boy, he should be encouraged to pay attention to what the girl does and does not want.
“With girls, I would always like to emphasize that love and sex are not the same thing, that love and being physically ready for sex are not the same thing, and that it is important for girls. They have to know and listen to themselves, the bodies and the signals they are getting what they want and what they don’t want, as well as their hearts and heads.
In the United States, she writes, many American parents see their role as “keeping and guiding” rather than giving a full range of hormones.
They often have rules for having sex: not dating before 16 or keeping the door open when girlfriends or boyfriends are meeting.
However, parents are usually strict with their daughters, enforcing anti-dating laws or living alone with boys, as sons’ parents often do.
“Given the assumption that when given the opportunity, teens will not be able to control themselves against their hormonal desires, thus allowing sleepover which is common in Dutch middle class families, many American parents find it ridiculous. I understand. ” Schlett writes.
Dr. Soo Baig Shah, a primary care teen and sexual health doctor at 298 Youth Health, Christchurch, believes that it is better for teenage boys to stay in a family home with a boyfriend or girlfriend, as long as parents check the relationship. Are mutually relevant.
First, though, parents should talk to their teens to check their values around sex.
Parents should ask if their teen is having sex if they don’t know, and make sure they are using contraception to avoid STIs (sexually transmitted infections) or unwanted pregnancies.
“Also you want to talk about the emotional effects of sex. When you add sex to the mix, the friendship changes, and can potentially damage casual sexual feelings. Use Has the ability to feel done.
Dr. Tyrian Clark, Sexual Health Specialist at the University of Auckland and co-author. Young 19. The project says there is poor access to sexual health services in New Zealand.
“Most teen sex stories are shameful, accusatory and secretive. Young people feel hurt by their parents so they don’t talk about sex and relationships with them. Young people need quality information and when they They should not be ashamed to look for it, and they should hire when they need it.
“If they can’t talk to us about positive sexual experiences, they won’t talk to us about their negative and forced sexual experiences.
“As a parent, I want to help my children learn about their sex lives and their relationships and help them.”
* Names have been changed.